A wold without Good and Bad?

8.14.10 Laguna Niguel Stephanie's

I had been up again a lot in the night with what I can only figures are issues around all the changes in my life, diet, traveling and being in the city. When I really checked in with my inner guidance about what was going on, I heard that I needed to call my gastro doc in Birmingham and have him look at the evantration MRIs that was done in January. I was hoping to have him refer me to a doc out here in southern California that I could go to before we left the area. I got up early and called and did not hear back from him. Increasingly I feel that doctors don't seem to be working on Fridays.

I realized that our health issues was something that we had not really checked out or planned or thought about before we went out on this trip. I spent the good portion of the day napping and trying to eat foods that I knew would comfort my system.

In the late afternoon Stephanie, Ted and I went into Laguna for the Sawdust Festival and to have dinner at a place where they had gotten a ten dollar off coupon at the coffee group that they went to that morning.

We were really hungry, but just as we were going to leave the festival, a group started playing at the little bistro area that we were sitting in. They were memerizingly good. The woman's name was Sasha Evans and she had a great violin player and drummer accompanying her on her original songs. It was a delight and it was great to see the pleasure on all of our faces from such soul-full music.

We then walked in town to get dinner and we were all tired and hungry by the time we got there. I was really worried that I had waited too long to eat and also that there was nothing that I could really be sure that it would not upset my stomach on the menu. I went with the blandest thing possible and just ate the ravioli and not so much of the sauce. I had a good night.

Late that night I talked with one of Steph's family members about hard it seems right now that her cancer has returned. We both talked about how this has shaken our faith in God. How it does not seem right that someone that is so good and filled with light might not live a long life. And why? The fairness thing seems to be still keep creeping in catching our hearts and our deep need to have things make sense.

I know that I theme for today is that I always want to understand things. I want to know what foods I ate that caused me to have my digestive issues in the night. I want to know why Stephanie's cancer has returned, or why anyone gets cancer in the first place? I also want to know why we give so much power to doctor's to tell us what to expect for our lives... and how we do not want to be wrong, but sometimes we are. Or as Ted would say, "I might be wrong."

I also see that this deep need of mine to try to understand what is going on is also tied to a need to believe that it might turn out differently than the doctors or some authority figure says it is going to. And here we are back to the land of magical thinking. Is that what we are really doing?

I do remember the guidance that I have been given about looking at it from a larger and wider view. Today I also heard that it is important to let go of the idea of right or wrong or fair or good or bad as it relates to the things that happen in life. This is not the way that spirit operates or thinks about things... it is not in God's vocabulary. So are we back to Rabbi Kushner's "When Bad things Happen to Good People?" Do I need to pick up a copy of that book again? Do I just need to give up the good/bad language all together to make it in this world right now?