Heartwood Spiritual Center

8.19.10 Point Mugu

As we are driving up to Point Mugu, Steph's rabbi's wife calls. Steph takes the call and her friend is really just checking in to see how Steph is doing. When Steph gets off the phone she tells me that the rabbi's wife has said, “I am just completely sure that the return of your cancer is just a glitz in the journey, a bump in the road for you. I am sure that you will be fine.” Steph tells her how much she appreciates hearing that, it really feels good to her.

When she tells me about the conversation I feel initially a little jealous, if I am to be completely honest. Several years ago, Steph's mom was undergoing heart surgery. She was in her eighties and still seemed the perfection of vibrant health for a woman her age. She had been physically active all of her life and was still so strong and alive. When Steph and I spoke before her surgery, I told her that I was sure that her mom would be fine. I knew it with all the fiber of my being that there was nothing to worry about. Her mom died on the operating table.

Since that time, I have not been able to say to others that I know with certainty that something will happen. I cannot use my connection to God or to my guidance system in such a way. Really I cannot act as if I know, when I really do not know.

So then the question becomes, what do I say? What can I say to a friend that is dealing with her second occurrence of ovarian cancer? We sat in the parking lot of a Malibu Starbucks and talked about it. I ended up saying that I can hold you up in prayer. I can ask for all of the best medical resources to be there for you. I can ask that you continue to see and feel the guidance and the love that surrounds you. That you can keep coming back to the place that allows you to receive the treatments with love and deep knowing of health and well being.

Then I found myself saying something that I really did not know I was going to say until I said it. I told her that I knew that I could say that “I had her back.” I had never said that to someone before and it felt right and a little scary when I said it. I could feel the connection and reception when I said it. Later I thought about what did that truly mean to “have someone's back.” I guess it comes from a place of protection when something or someone would come up behind and try to harm the other. You are watching out for them. When I thought about it later I heard, this is “Ted Howard” for you.

The next day I asked Ted about what that phrase meant to him. He said, “that someone is there supporting you in all ways whenever you need them. It is what I do for you.” I then asked him if he felt okay about me saying that to Steph. He said, “Of course.” And I said, “Thank you for having my back as I have Stephanie's.”