Magical Places

8.29.10 Lummi Island
We have been honored and in awe to be guests of our friends Jim and Mary Ross at their beautiful home on Lummi Island in the San Juan Islands. There home was built on the side of the hill overlooking the straits and other islands. Their home was built at angles to take full advantage of as much of the view as possible. It is a true panorama.

Being here I am watching the stress of the days of being on the road and having to get somewhere at a certain time, gradually fall away. Every time I would catch a new breathtaking view of the ocean from their home, I would say out, "How Beautiful!" Mary would say back, yes it is a magical place... I began to think about what that really meant, to be a magical place?

For me the magic of this place seems to be that the sky, the clouds, the ocean, the sunsets all seem to conspire to give you a gift every moment. They are always changing and moving moment by moment. It is a gift that seems to keep allowing itself to be opened every morning. I keep taking picture after picture so that I can remember all of the subtle changes.. and then I realize that is so much within the windows of this home and out on the road, that I cannot capture it all, and that is part of the magic.

The way the sun plays as diamonds on the water is part of the magic. The way the sun creates light even after it is gone from your sight is part of the magic. The ability to see the currents in the ocean and watch the constant movement is part of the magic. It is sheer delight and brings that child up to greet each moment with a deep reverence and joy simultaneously.

Magic is that place where you something happens that you did not think could happen in the way that your rational mind tells you it should. My rational mind did not think that should beauty was always available right outside your window.

Thank you spirit and dear friends for this sharing.

The Holding Up Tree

8.27.10 Lummi Island
Right after I wrote the last post on this blog, I looked out into the campground and across the little road and there was this tree. I heard this is The Holding Up Tree. I felt as if I had been given a new tree to guide me in this phase of my life. I had loved and been in communication with the Heartwood Tree for the last ten years, and now there was a new gift.

We were trying to pack up and leave the campground but I felt as if I had to take pictures and spend some time with my arms and hands on this amazing tree. Here is what I heard:

I have stood here for hundreds of years. My roots are deep and yet at the same time I hold up my arms in great gratitude. I know no other way to stand. Respect the elder wisdom of the trees and that flows within you. Know that the small things that seem so important on one day will not stand up over time. Let the water in your life pour through the ridges of your soul and let it seep deeply into your roots. For you, your roots do not have mean the things that keep you stationary, but rather that which nourishes you and waters your life. Another way of looking at this is what keeps your well full.

Remember the body soul stance that I represent. Hold up your life, your friends, your family into the great water of the All That Is.

Holding Up

8.25.10 McChord Air Force Base, outside of Tacoma WA
I keep hearing the phrase, "How then shall I pray?" It reminds me of Wayne Muellar that has written the book, How then shall we live?, but more than anything it keeps bring me back to a place of wondering how to pray, what words to use and how to really be with my requests to God.

In meditation I heard the following: Even when you pray the words "highest and best" for someone, it denotes a judgment on your part. This is not the language of spirit. We know that you are thinking that you know that there is a best place for yourself or the loved ones that you pray for, but this type of language asks for a distinction between something being better over another situation or person or thing that might happen. Do you see the difference?

At that time I felt something pour over me. It felt as if it was an expansive peace that pulled me in all directions. It felt expansive and deep at the same time. It felt as if I was tapping into something that I can only explain as a channel of frequency. It felt as if in this place there was no right or wrong, good or bad as we so want to label every event in our life. In this place there was only the sensation of knowing a connection to something beyond words and easy knowing. For me, the words that reflect this feeling is the ALL THAT IS.

I then asked the question, "Well then what words do I use?" What I saw and felt then was not really in words. It was a "holding up" sensation. I saw myself holding up each person and situation that I prayed for literally with my arms. I felt the immediate sensation of, "this is too heavy and I can't do this alone." Then I saw the image that I had during my surgery in 97, one of many hands of all different sizes and shapes holding me up to the heavens. I saw and felt that this is what we can do, hold our loved ones and ourselves up to that frequency, that place of the deep knowing of the ALL THAT IS. We can lay them on the altar of love, put them in the space where there is no judgment or control on our part, but rather this deep knowing that they are being held in the light of love that knows no earthly words of good or bad or even highest or best.

I guess I now felt as if I knew that maybe that when I have prayed for the highest and best for someone, it was really for this space of connection, one that just holds us with deep unconditional love.

I am interested in knowing "How then do you pray?"

You must be under 10 years of age

8.24.10 Salem, OR
Yesterday was a hard day. We found ourselves turning into what we thought was a way across the highway only to find it was a left hand turn lanes with a cement median for people going the other way. With the Airstream, once you have made the turn, you find that you cannot easily back up or readjust yourself mid turn. Luckily no came to make a left hand turn as we were waiting. We were able to make the turn into the parking lot. We still were shaken and could not find an easy place to eat so we went on. This is something that you do not think of when you are in a car in a new place trying to find some food. One of our biggest issues is how we can find a place where we want to eat the food and that has parking lots that can accomodate and let us turn around or get out of the parking lot. You really do not know until you turn in there and then like we found yesterday... you could be in a spot where there really is no place to park. So, here again, you are on to the new plan...

The next thing we tried was to find an RV park further up in Oregon off I5. We use Passport America, Good Sam's Club and the military famcamps as our primary camping places since they can give us discounts. I began the process of searching on my iPhone and in our books. I was not having much luck. Finally we decided to stay in Salem and Ted made the first call. The person taking the reservations began asking Ted questions that I had never heard before. He was saying things about the age of our Airstream. "It is a 1974." "I would say it is in good condition." Then he said, "what is this about? The appearance?" And then he laughed... I could tell that they were saying something about us not being in good enough shape for their RV park. Then he asked if they could give him any other numbers of RV parks in the area. I got mad. I said, "Just get off the phone." I did not want him to talk to these people any more.

I was mad. I could not believe that they would reject us for having a vintage trailer sight unseen. I love the funkiness of our Airstream, plus I like not being like everyone else when we pull into these RV parks. I don't like the fact that everything has to conform, they all have to be white or neutral colors. Everyone has to line up in the literal and figurative sense of the word. Does not seem right. I watched myself get madder and madder.

We called another place they did not ask about the age of our RV. The name of the place was Hee Hee Illihee. I felt that they must have a sense of humor. When we got here and were checking in I saw on a sign with the rules, which were extensive that once again, that your trailer had to be under ten years old. This time they could see the Airstream. They did not ask. I felt uncomfortable. I did not want to be asked the age and have to leave and find a new place to park. This RV park is new and when we spilled some cheese off our tacos on the cement before we had even ate our dinner, Ted ran inside and got the broom to sweep it up. We were very much trying to conform, not draw attention to ourselves, go along with the game plan. As were sitting outside having dinner and listening to the people next door talk trash during our dinner, I said to Ted, "This is not the way that I want to live." He said, "I know."

Get up and Walk

8.23.10 Mount Shasta CA

We traveled all day yesterday through the northern inland valley of California. We bounced along some of the roughest roads we have encountered until we came to flat lands of I5. At the end of the day we found ourselves coming into the mountains of Mount Shasta. It felt like a breath of pine air. There was even snow on the mountain.

In meditation this morning I heard: "Get up and Walk. Get up and Walk." I knew we were at a place called Abrams Lake. Ted had already reported that it was really just a pond, but I thought that I would walk out and see for myself.

Almost immediately I saw a man walking and asked him about where Abrams Lake was. He said, this is it. You can walk around it in five minutes, but this is a special place. Then he told me that he had been ill and could not have walked around the lake just a week ago. I told him to have a nice day and kept walking in the other direction. As I came around the lake, I saw him coming the other direction around the pond. He laughed and started telling me more of his story. He was in a lot of pain and welling up with tears. Again, I felt the need to keep walking. Then as I was going around the lake a second time, I saw him again. I heard, "This is why you were supposed to walk."

We ended up talking and I told him I was a minister. I told him about the Alliance of Divine Love and that he was surrounded by his unseen spirit support team. We prayed by the side of the lake. I told him that I would come back with a copy of my book. I told him about how i was told to get up and walk today. I felt that this was the reason. He willed up in tears again.

I keep learning and relearning about listening and then acting on what we hear. It sometimes does not seem to make sense at the time, but then you see the see the beauty of the All That Is working in your life. .

Letting Your soul catch Up

8.21.10 Monterey

I remember the first time that I heard the story about the villagers in Africa that walked across one of the big deserts, like the Sahara or the Kalahari. There were going to deliver a message of great importance to the people in the village on the other side of the desert. It took them days to get there and it was tiring and arduous. When they got there they came and ate and drank with the villagers. They did not tell them the message. The villagers got impatient. They said, “Why don't you tell us why you came here? The messengers looked at each other and said, “We are waiting for our souls to catch up with us. Our souls do not travel as fast as we do. When our souls get here, we will tell you.”

We have been on the road for three weeks. Today in the fog of Monterey, I am hearing, “ Let your soul catch up with you. This is a day to catch up with yourself.”

In meditation I heard the following:

This is a time to learn new skills, but they cannot be learned in the traditional way. It is also a new way of learning. At first might feel that it is rough like when you walk in bare feet over rocks and pebbles. This might feel like the inner world of your soul. All of this is as it should be. It should not feel familiar and some of the time you will cry out in pain. Some of the time you might want to abandon the journey and return to what you know as comfort and familiar. All of this is as it should be. This is not the time to judge yourself. This is not the time to use old methods of creating meaning in your life. Yes, it is known that if feels like you must give up all that has had meaning for you. A complete revaluation of what is important is necessary in this next phase of life. You have already started to see that you do not need as much as you thought that you did. Again, you throw away, give away, leave for the next one, discard and abandon the possessions and the thoughts that no longer serve you.

Now is the time to have faith. Now is the time to remember that when a space is created with intention for the good, guidance and love will flow into that space. You will not be abandoned. You will not be left standing naked with no resources. It is just that your resources and the things that you will use to clothe yourself will look very different than they did before. Does that make sense? So there might be a period of time where you feel as if you are naked and without all that held you together before, but this is just a place of transition and transformation. Think of what the caterpillar feels before it goes into the cacoon and becomes a butterfly. Doe it truly know what the next phase is going to be like and feel like?

Remember also the fast flowing river. Your journey right now is like through your traveling. Remember that is fine to kick out of the river from time to time and find that quiet pool and let your soul catch up.

Point Mugu

8.19.10 Point Mugu

As we are driving up to Point Mugu, Steph's rabbi's wife calls. Steph takes the call and her friend is really just checking in to see how Steph is doing. When Steph gets off the phone she tells me that the rabbi's wife has said, “I am just completely sure that the return of your cancer is just a glitz in the journey, a bump in the road for you. I am sure that you will be fine.” Steph tells her how much she appreciates hearing that, it really feels good to her.

When she tells me about the conversation I feel initially a little jealous, if I am to be completely honest. Several years ago, Steph's mom was undergoing heart surgery. She was in her eighties and still seemed the perfection of vibrant health for a woman her age. She had been physically active all of her life and was still so strong and alive. When Steph and I spoke before her surgery, I told her that I was sure that her mom would be fine. I knew it with all the fiber of my being that there was nothing to worry about. Her mom died on the operating table.

Since that time, I have not been able to say to others that I know with certainty that something will happen. I cannot use my connection to God or to my guidance system in such a way. Really I cannot act as if I know, when I really do not know.

So then the question becomes, what do I say? What can I say to a friend that is dealing with her second occurrence of ovarian cancer? We sat in the parking lot of a Malibu Starbucks and talked about it. I ended up saying that I can hold you up in prayer. I can ask for all of the best medical resources to be there for you. I can ask that you continue to see and feel the guidance and the love that surrounds you. That you can keep coming back to the place that allows you to receive the treatments with love and deep knowing of health and well being.

Then I found myself saying something that I really did not know I was going to say until I said it. I told her that I knew that I could say that “I had her back.” I had never said that to someone before and it felt right and a little scary when I said it. I could feel the connection and reception when I said it. Later I thought about what did that truly mean to “have someone's back.” I guess it comes from a place of protection when something or someone would come up behind and try to harm the other. You are watching out for them. When I thought about it later I heard, this is “Ted Howard” for you.

The next day I asked Ted about what that phrase meant to him. He said, “that someone is there supporting you in all ways whenever you need them. It is what I do for you.” I then asked him if he felt okay about me saying that to Steph. He said, “Of course.” And I said, “Thank you for having my back as I have Stephanie's.”

Dancing with La Calavera Death

8.20.10 Point Mugu

My dear friend Joy Forrest that died on July 29, had many skeletons in her home. None were real ones, most were plastic ones that ranged in size from large to small. She had bought most of them on her buying trips to Mexico for the boutique that she owned. She embraced the idea that she saw in Mexico of dancing with La Calavera, (death). For Joy this meant that if we realized that we were all going to die and were not afraid of it, then we could also really live more fully. So, on several occasions, we took out the larger skeletons and danced around them to Joy's spiritual rave music.

Stephanie and I have had quite a few talks about death while we have been together. She has said that she knows that we are all going to die, but that now that her cancer has come back and that Ovarian cancer is one of the most deadly kinds of cancer, she feels that death is with her much more than for those of us that are not looking so closely at it on a day to day basis. On some days she feels that she does not want to acknowledge it, but keep on affirming her deep love for life as the only way she can get through each moment.

Steph and I went to see Eat Pray Love and we both truly enjoyed it. I told Steph the next day that I felt that one of the themes of the movie was that to really live you have to face the death(s) in your life. You have to forgive yourself and also see that what you might see at first as being hard and painful, actually breaks you open into living at a fuller and deeper level. So, right now I see that this continues to be the gift of cancer, the gift of dancing with La Calavera; to live more fully, passionately, vibrantly, with great gusto into each moment. To bring our out stretched arms vastly around our hearts and pull out all the stops. This is the moment of dying into the new expanded heart, the new life that we can only slightly envision and the moment of truly embracing death.

I told Steph that I feel that she has always lived this way, with her arms and her heart out stretched to life. She has loved so passionately each moment and brought so much joy to others as she has invited you along on her joy ride. I told her that I feel that this is the marker of a life well lived. I said, that I was not sure that it really had anything to do with the amount of days and years that you lived, but rather how passionately alive with love that you did this life. I see that it is like being connected to the power source or to the big S Source. When you are there in the place of love, knowing the current, feeling your heart knowing the All That Is in every cell of your being, and being in the place of gratitude for this knowing, that all becomes wildly alive. Of course you want it to never end. Of course you want to know this is forever, but you also know that change and transformation are part of the package of the All That Is. Death does not become an end to this amazing connection, it is the transformation with the big T, it is the life force moving into a new form. If you truly dance with La Calavera, you truly dance with the big D. You love it because it lets you live life, death and All That Is in a more profound way. Death becomes Living more fully.

Vibrant Health and Well Being How does it work for YOU?

8.17.10 Laguna Niguel
Steph had chemo yesterday and we needed to take the car in to be checked because the engine light had come on. It turned out that the reason that the engine light came on was because we had lost and replaced the gas cap. The gas cap had been left at Costco when we were gassing up and they ended up charging Steph $80 to replace the cap and to turn off the engine light. Yikes!

Chemo was challenging on the level to get the IV started through the port, but easy in that it was a much shorter chemo because in this cycle there was only one med being administered.

We prayed and continued to pray that these treatment will kill the cancer cells and that healthy, vibrant cells will come into replace them. We talk a lot about what are the components of health. Where are what are you doing when you feel most vibrantly alive? What really makes the connection for you to the Source that allows you to feel the current of life pulsating through every cell of your body? What is well being to you? How does it express itself?

I would love to hear from any of you about this. Please comment. It feels really important at this time for us to really look at how health, well being and vibrant aliveness come to us, present themselves.

Down the Stairs to a new pahse of life

8.16.10 Laguna Niguel
Steph and I went to the beach in Laguna while John and Ted went to the Orange County fair. It was still one of those days when it seemed like everyone was needing to be at the beach for the end of summer. It had been hot inland, but when we got to the beach after lunch with Jan, the fog was burned off and it was perfect beach weather. The water however was really like stepping into a pool of ice cubes. They keep talking about the cool summer that they have had out here, while the rest of the country bakes in weeks over 100 degrees, or close to it. I guess the water did not have time to heat up. It really felt as if it was the temperature that it normally is in late May or early June.

We had to wait for a place to park and then walk down these set of stairs to get to this little patch of beach in an postcard cove. When I first approached the stairs with all of our gear, I thought well I do not know how I will do getting back up here. This will be a challenge.

In mediation today I saw again these stairs. I heard, "You are walking into a new phase of your life. You will need to learn new skills. We have talked about how you will need a new form of protection. There have been so many changes, but it is important for you to ask for guidance and be aware about how you respond in each situation. You will constantly be moving into different situations as you travel. You will want to be able to not see all of the new noises, people and traffic as affronts. You will want to be able to ground yourself and to create a new shield for yourself that does not dull you, but rather lets you remain vibrant rather than drained by the city and the challenges of the road. "

I see that these new skills will require a constant vigilance, a constant fine tuning and remaining open in a way that I am only beginning to perceive. I am grateful for this opportunity. Steph and I took our time getting back up the stairs. When I reached the second landing, I could see the street and I knew that I could make it. I remembered to keep breathing, took breaks and did not judge myself. When Steph and I reached the top, we said..."Wow that was not so bad.

Friends for over Forty Years

One of my parent's legacy was to keep your lifelong friends. I see now what a gift that teaching was. I have also struggled when a friend fell out of my life through us both moving in new directions. But right now I am grateful to my parents and also to my friends who have also seen the value in staying in touch over the years.

As I approach my sixth birthday I am in awe of the value of friends that I share common stories and life with. Teri/Goby on the left I first met when she was a camper and I was a camp counselor at the Girl Scout Camp at Whites Landing. She then went on to be a counselor. I was living in Europe when she got married to Michael in England in the late seventies. I stood up for her. Her primary residence is still in Wales, England but she now is in the states quite a few months out of the year. I am grateful to still be able to see her and keep this great connection.

Donna on the right was a sorority sister at San Diego State. She kept up with me through brithday cards and even cards for my two sons all through the time that they were growing up. She would send them a dollar for every year that they were old. She is such a kind and caring person. We still love to laugh about the old days in the sorority and things like how I wore green metalic painted Army boots to the Christmas party. Ted said, "Donna is really in tune with people."

Life long friends keep you with a memory of who you were and reconnect you to that young spirit that still lives within. I am grateful.

Living by the screams of the Roller Coaster

8.15.10 Laguna Niguel

A day in the city of San Diego. We left in the late morning to drive down to San Diego to have Steph take her dad to Hairspray at the theatre in downtown San Diego. We thought that we had left in plenty of time so that we could pick up her dad at the retirement community, go to Costco to return an item and drop them off at the theatre for a two o'clock show. As soon as we got on the freeway there was stop and go traffic that continued all the way to San Diego. Steph travels to see her dad on a regular basis and she said that she had never seen it like this. There appeared to be no rhyme or reason, but possibly just a lot of people trying to go to San Diego for what may have been one of the last weekends before some of the schools start in the area.

We were so late that we were not able to take her dad to Costco or get him something to eat before the play. Ted and I dropped Steph and her dad off at the theatre and then found our way out of downtown San Diego and over to Mission Bay. We were going to meet my sorority sister Donna Sinclair at my camp friend, Teri Brewer's (Goby) home in Mission Beach. Again we confronted some of the worst traffic we had seen. I guess that every person that we saw on the freeways going down there must have been coming to go to the beach in Mission Beach because there was absolutely no place to park in what seemed like miles around the roller coaster park. We finally used found a spot and ended up meeting Donna at the corner and walking in with her. We each had taken over a half an hour to find a spot.

When we got to Teri's she was not there. She also had been traveling south on the five and it had taken her from 9:30 to 2:30 to get down to San Diego from LA. We were all frazzled.

I used to live right on Mission Beach Blvd in my last semester at San Diego State. My little shack of a house was no longer there, but the wooden roller coaster was and Harry's market had moved around the corner. The young girls were still screaming as the old wooden roller coaster dropped them to the ground and plunged them up hill again. There were many new condos that had replaced the olderr buildings especially on the bay and the ocean, but I still love the little courts with the houses built in the twenties.

Memories flooded back of living a block from the bay and a block from the ocean. Still one of the most amazing places to live with such great sailing on the bay and the wildness of the ocean so close to each other. When I lived there with Mary and Linda we had my brothers' Sabot sailboat that they had made from a kit. We used to store in behind our house and then we would walk it down to the bay, plop it in and go for a great sail. I also remember that I I went swimming on my 22nd brithday in the ocean on November 6th. It was cold but I felt as if I was doing a wonderful act of courage in honor of my birthday. Not sure I will do the same this year for my 60th.

The beach seemed packed and noisy and the walk ways were filled with people walking, running, roller blading, riding bikes, ringing the bells on their bikes as they passed each other on the lanes. Teri was unsure why it was so crowded but we had a lovely time sitting out her patio and showing Ted the bay and the ocean. Then we all went to meet Steph and her dad for a great dinner back in downtown San Diego.

I was exhausted from the city when we got home. I think it is the barrage of energy that gets me, the sounds, the traffic, the people that are each trying to navigate their way through the day and their needs come bumping into yours. I really did not get a chance to look at or experience the city where I spent three and half years of my life. I was too busy trying to help Ted or Steph navigate the traffic and keep up with directions on my iPhone. I felt my job was to help us get from point A to point B in the appointed time frame. I did pop my head up on occasion and see a truly beautiful city... but I also felt the noise, the poking of all the stimulation, all the comings and goings into my energy field. Maybe we will come back when we can feel it in the winter, when it is calmer, the screams have died down and walk the beach in more solitude.

Winkle and Steph

A wold without Good and Bad?

8.14.10 Laguna Niguel Stephanie's

I had been up again a lot in the night with what I can only figures are issues around all the changes in my life, diet, traveling and being in the city. When I really checked in with my inner guidance about what was going on, I heard that I needed to call my gastro doc in Birmingham and have him look at the evantration MRIs that was done in January. I was hoping to have him refer me to a doc out here in southern California that I could go to before we left the area. I got up early and called and did not hear back from him. Increasingly I feel that doctors don't seem to be working on Fridays.

I realized that our health issues was something that we had not really checked out or planned or thought about before we went out on this trip. I spent the good portion of the day napping and trying to eat foods that I knew would comfort my system.

In the late afternoon Stephanie, Ted and I went into Laguna for the Sawdust Festival and to have dinner at a place where they had gotten a ten dollar off coupon at the coffee group that they went to that morning.

We were really hungry, but just as we were going to leave the festival, a group started playing at the little bistro area that we were sitting in. They were memerizingly good. The woman's name was Sasha Evans and she had a great violin player and drummer accompanying her on her original songs. It was a delight and it was great to see the pleasure on all of our faces from such soul-full music.

We then walked in town to get dinner and we were all tired and hungry by the time we got there. I was really worried that I had waited too long to eat and also that there was nothing that I could really be sure that it would not upset my stomach on the menu. I went with the blandest thing possible and just ate the ravioli and not so much of the sauce. I had a good night.

Late that night I talked with one of Steph's family members about hard it seems right now that her cancer has returned. We both talked about how this has shaken our faith in God. How it does not seem right that someone that is so good and filled with light might not live a long life. And why? The fairness thing seems to be still keep creeping in catching our hearts and our deep need to have things make sense.

I know that I theme for today is that I always want to understand things. I want to know what foods I ate that caused me to have my digestive issues in the night. I want to know why Stephanie's cancer has returned, or why anyone gets cancer in the first place? I also want to know why we give so much power to doctor's to tell us what to expect for our lives... and how we do not want to be wrong, but sometimes we are. Or as Ted would say, "I might be wrong."

I also see that this deep need of mine to try to understand what is going on is also tied to a need to believe that it might turn out differently than the doctors or some authority figure says it is going to. And here we are back to the land of magical thinking. Is that what we are really doing?

I do remember the guidance that I have been given about looking at it from a larger and wider view. Today I also heard that it is important to let go of the idea of right or wrong or fair or good or bad as it relates to the things that happen in life. This is not the way that spirit operates or thinks about things... it is not in God's vocabulary. So are we back to Rabbi Kushner's "When Bad things Happen to Good People?" Do I need to pick up a copy of that book again? Do I just need to give up the good/bad language all together to make it in this world right now?

Does it get much better than this?

Is this Margaritaville?

Making Plans

8.12.10 Laguna Niguel, Stephanie's

Yesterday was a day of seeing how this staying in the flow and making plans and then readjusting the plans, takes work. It seems to involve a couple of different components. One is that you need to be able to look at options. I feel that this is one of my strengths, the ability to see a variety of options, the ability to be able to communicate them and then try to move through the options and choose one and act on it.

We had planned to get going early and Ted was going to have the oil changed in the Tahoe. I would stay back and get the Airstream ready for us to store while we went south into the mass of cars that it is Los Angeles and points further south. We had planned on having lunch with my life long friend Nancy McDonough and then to go to Stephanie's and spend quite a few days with her.

I got sick in the night and was literally up all night going to the bathroom. Usually I can identify what I have eaten that caused the problem, but this time I was uncertain. We had had subway sandwiches which are usually a winner for me, so maybe it was the tortilla soup that we also had there, I am not sure. In any case once my stomach died down, I was able to get some sleep and really did not get up to start working on preparations until Ted got back from having the oil changed. We were way off schedule and we realized that we were even backed up against the time frame that they wanted us to get out of our RV space at the campground.

Then Ted called the storage people again and found out that he needed to go back to other military base where he had just been to register the Airstream and pay for the nights that we were going to be storing it. There was no rhyme or reason to this because the storage facility was on the base that we were on and why you needed to go over to the other base seemed a little ridiculous...

So now we needed to make new plans... we were clearly not going to make it to LA for lunch, now how about an early dinner? Nancy had been texting and waiting for us down in LA and we were doing our best to get all of the stuff situated in the right vehicle and pack for our trip, throw away food in the fridge and store things that did not need to make the trip to LA with us.

Making new plans not only involved communicating with each other, communicating with Nancy and Steph, but also dealing with the military regs. When Ted got back from paying for the storage, I had finished all the prep work that I could, but he said he had to make an appointment to have the guy who dealt with the storage come over from one base to the other to open up the gate at the storage facility and let us in... Yikes!!! So we ended up waiting there for fifteen minutes before he came to let us in. Make a new plan Stan... Is the last line, "

Point Mugu at Sunset

Point Mugu

8.10.11 Point Mugu Naval Base
We got up and prepared for the trip two hours down the coast to Point Mugu Naval Base. It was not hard to say good bye to Gaviota State Beach. Living without the hookups had been challenging and the campground had been filled over the weekend with large families that seemed to be having reunion that went on into the night. It had been a good place to stay for the three nights that we were in Santa Barbara for the wedding.

When we got to Point Mugu we were very pleased with the camground. It was right on the beach on a little bay/inlet. We got set up and I worked on my newsletter and Ted did laundry. At wine time we took our chairs down to the beach and sat and watched the waves. In the first five minutes that we were down there we saw two sea lions, a pod of dolphins and a flock of sea birds. It felt as if we were being given a beautiful welcome to this special place.

I felt my parents love of this part of the coast. I felt them being happy that I was here and I remembered the seals that came to be part of my mom's memorial. It feels as if those playful animals will always remind me of my mom and dad. The message was, "Enjoy, appreciate, celebrate, don't take it so seriously."

Ted and I toasted this place, each other and all the effort that has been made to get us to this point. We are so grateful for so many blessings in our life. It is a wild and wonderful life. We felt as if we could stay here for a long time.

I took a long walk up the beach after wine. I kept hearing the following:
"Allow yourself the time just to be present with each day and what it has to offer you. Remember that you keep having the opportunity to see the places within yourself that still need love. Appreciate and Allow what is present to be with you in an easy way. You know when it feels as if you are fighting against the wind, fighting against your heart and your soul."

This is the place of my childhood soul. The feel of the soft sand on my toes, having to brush off the sand before I came into the Airstream, the smell of the ocean, which is not the same as the smell of the Gulf (prespill), the cool breeze that lets you be out in the sun for hours without wilting, the seagulls that never seem to be far away and the lapping of the ocean... all night long... a slow roar within.

A place of deep gratitude and beauty that is nourishing my tired body and allowing my soul to drink up again.

Staying at the Beach

Over a Week on the Road

8.9.10 Gaviota

We really needed a break from running and needing to be somewhere or get the Airstream ready to go. We have been working so hard for so long... either on the road somewhere or needing to get the “job” done. The campground was noisy and people were needing to pack up and pull out for the weekend. We had made reservations to stay until Monday morning, so we did not need to get going early. But I could not sleep in as I liked. Then about mid morning I felt a deep need to go back to bed. It was still cold and foggy and I felt as if it there was nothing else to do but get under the covers, read a little and go to sleep again, and that is what I did.

When I woke up the fog was starting to burn off. I went and walked on the beach at high tide. It will always be part of childhood smells and memories. The ocean in summer in southern California, the seaweed, the seagulls, the strong conglomeration of people from all backgrounds and walks of life from all over the world. The wind was strong but not too strong and most everyone had some kind of sweatshirt or jacket on. It was low tide and I could walk much further than before because the tide was exposing more of the beach. I went out on the pier and watched all the people fishing and stared down at their lines to see if I could see any fish. I enjoyed watching the play of their lines... I saw one man catch a small fish. He did not throw it back.

We took our 25cent showers and then went back into Santa Barbara for a small and delicious dinner at George and Salle's. It was my brother Pat, his wife Kathleen, my niece Erin, my sister in law Julie and George and Salle. It was a wonderful time of rehashing the wedding and saying goodbye until the next family event that brings us all together again. Lots of laughing, great food and the crazy and wonderful bond of family.

Lindsay and Richard'w wedding

8.8.10 Gaviota State Park

Yesterday was the day of Lindsay's wedding to Richard. We came in town from the beach to get hair cuts and then ate lunch and did errands before the wedding. My sister in law Julie was going to the Woman's Club where the wedding was going to be early and we were able to go to her place and take showers and get ready at her condo. The wedding was outside under a big Oak tree and my brother Pat officiated the wedding. Everything was stunningly beautiful and it was a very sweet wedding, with charming glitzes. There were cocktails and horsduerves outside while the tables and dinner were being prepared inside. People were friendly and we had an opportunity to meet new people from Richard's family as well as new people from Lindsay's side also.

The food was great but everybody felt that the DJ played the music too loud during dinner, would not really accept requests or criticism. Later Erin told us about going out after the wedding to do Saki Bombs and they started chanting, “The DJ sucks, the DJ sucks. But everybody did get up and dance and dance. It was a fun evening with lots of warm feelings.

I could feel my brother's presence throughout the wedding, but it was the strongest when the toasts were being made. I know that he was there in spirit and they played a Van Morrison song in his honor. Later I found out that Lindsay had remembered her parents dancing to that song at my other brother Pat's wedding. It was the first time that she had gotten that her parents were romantically in love, she was about nine years old and up until then she had always thought of her parents as mom and dad. When she saw them dance to Moonbeam, she felt their love and she wanted that song played at her wedding. Sweet.

A beautiful, fun, delicious, loving wedding. What more can you ask for?

Gaviota State Beach Park

Day Six

8.7.10 Gaviota Beach

Before we left Barstow we found the papers for Gaviota State Park on the beach around 33 miles north of Santa Barbara. I had to make the reservations for this weekend seven months ahead of time in February on the first day of the month. At that time people from all over the US call in to make reservations for these precious summer weekends on the California beaches. I kept trying online at the time, but could not get through. I also tried the phone, but we had an appointment that morning, so we left the house before we had made the reservations. When we came back, I began calling and got through to find out that this campground site was the only one left in all of the campgrounds north of Santa Barbara.

They had made a big deal out of the fact that there could sometimes be strong winds and they would have to close the campground and would not refund your money. I told Ted that I thought that it would be a good idea to check the reservations by calling the campground this morning and making sure everything was okay. We got online and found out that the office was closed on the first and third Fridays of the month. We also found out that there appeared to be showers and bathrooms, but no electrical hookups or running water at your individual campsite. Yikes, I had not remembered this. I had a vague memory of the woman on the reservation phone saying that there was no dump station, but not this. I inwardly wailed. I need a break, I need to be able to spend time on the computer, on the internet. This is not going to work for me. When are we going to be able to relax? When are we going to be able to let down.

It took us about six hours to get from Barstow to the campground. I had been inwardly saying prayers that there would be electricity and water at each campsite, but then when we pulled past the ranger station all I saw were mostly tents, a lot of dirt and masses of people camped right next to each other. Our campsite was so close to each other that we had to watch the door of the car so that it would not bang into the camper that was parked right next to us. I was pissed, tired and not pleased to be having to make so many more concessions... I needed a break. Ted said, “Just think of it as an adventure.” But at that point all I could see of it was another breach on my comfort levels. I told Ted that I was going to take a nap before we had to go to the rehearsal dinner. He did the same.

We were able to take showers and get ready, but I could not use the curling or the flat iron to do my hair. I had to just go. When we got to Salle's and George's in the foothills of the Santa Barbara mountains, I could hear everyone in the backyard. All my family and Richard's family embraced us so warmly. We had a beautiful, fun dinner in the backyard of this beautiful home. We sat at one big long table and told stories, gave toasts and laughed and laughed.

We have lights on the twelve volts battery that work, so when we got home we could read a little to wind down.

I woke up this morning around five Pacific Time. Ted was awake also and I went and snuggled up in his little bed with him. We talked and then we both went back to sleep. It was 8:30 when we both woke up. I felt so different not to have to be somewhere or push myself this morning. I felt grateful to be somewhere and not to have to really get up and get on the road. But it was more than that, it was finally a feeling of letting down. We have been really pushing ourselves on some level since May when we went first to the Poconos. What is this feeling? I can sleep some more? I can take it easy? I do not have to pack something up or hook something up. What a glorious feeling. I can let my thoughts just flow and not have to be thinking about something that I have to do. It will take my mind, body and soul a little while to adjust.

I get up this morning and went to the bathroom. A young girl is standing outside one of the restroom doors. She says good morning to me. I then hear voices in the room stalls next to me. A young boy is in there talking in both Spanish and English with his mother. They run the sentences in both languages. He says to her, “Don't worry mommy, heaven can fix it.”

She says, “What did you say?”

He says, “Heaven can fix it.”

She says, “Oh that is only for when you are old.”

He says, “What do you mean?”

She says, “Heaven is for when you are old and you die.”

He says, “Oh, I am never going to be old.”

She says, “You do not have to worry about that now.”

He says, “You are not going to die are you mommy?”

She says, “No, not now. You do not have to worry.”

He says, “But will heaven be able to fix it?”

I could not hear the rest of the conversation as someone flushed the toilet. This morning I am grateful to be able to be in this amazing international village of people living together at the beach. I am grateful to be sharing this adventure. I am happy. I tell Ted. I see everything differently than when we pulled in a few short hours ago. We have gone from 114 degrees in Needles for dinner Thursday night to low sixties for an outdoor dinner Friday night in Santa Barbara. It is foggy and overcast today and everyone is wearing sweatshirts as they make their breakfasts and prepare for the day. I always have to remind myself that I will be cold once I get to the coast in California.

Oasis in the Dessert?

Day Five

8.6.10 Barstow CA

We have almost made it, what joy when we crossed into California, but then we still needed to cross her dessert. I guess we traveled eleven hours yesterday, mostly land that has not been inhabited. I wonder as we drive, has a human being walked on every square inch of this land. For miles and miles it looks like land that has not been walked on, merely seen or owned by someone that does not really know it.

We are listening to Anne Lamott's new book Imperfect Birds. One of the characters says to the other character that she wants to return to the place where they have just done a sweat lodge. She says, “ I want to go back to the river to the sacred ground. The other character replies, “ Oh honey, it is all sacred ground. Sacred ground is where you are.” I wonder about the land that stretches all around us as we travel down I40. Is this all sacred ground. Does it become sacred when someone comes to acknowledge it, to walk on it and to love it? I have felt the sacredness of Heartwood come more fully into light as all those that came there developed their own love and blessing for the place. Their love was left like a business card left in glass jar to win a free lunch. It was there in some way for all to see and feel after they had left the space. The sacredness of the land seems to become alive as we as humans interact with it, love it and honor it.

But now I am hearing that this is a very egocentric way to see the land. Other beings can love and honor the land and still create a glowing relationship with it. No human ever needs to have walked that square inch of it for it to be sacred and valid.

The Imperfect Birds book fills our minds as we travel the hours of roads. The thermometer says that it is 114 degrees when we stop to get dinner in Needles, CA. One of the major themes is a quote by Rumi where he states that all we can really do with each other is invite the imperfect birds of our souls into the nests of our hearts. There are many images where the main characters struggle with their need to be in the nest of another's heart, to feel comforted by this deep physical and spiritual gesture.

I see how I have not had that same need, but rather my deep desire has been to know the inner ridges of the other's spiritual world. I have seen that I have tried in my own way to show my inner world. I have not so much felt that it should be transparent or so open or naked, but rather a space that is open. This might seem like an open door into a room of my heart soul. I invite you in. I try to make you comfortable. I say I will continue to unlock the doors to this space. I know that I can trust you. As I share I invite you to see how this feels to you. I invite you to share with me as you begin to feel that you can trust me also. We will begin a slow opening of chambers of exposure to our inner love with the Divine. We will create our own nests within each others hearts.

Day Four

8.5.10 Alburqurque NM

We left Oklahoma City around ten am after viewing the things that needed to be done with the AC. It turned out that it was not the original unit but one that had been installed incorrectly many years ago. It was needing major structural repairs and the guys at the RV repair place would not do it. They were saying that they would put in some blocks and it would make it more stable, but they were not sure if they could finish this up today. We had many options to consider here, but it felt as if the best thing to do was to have them put it back together again and head west. They gave us the name of a repair place in Corona, CA that they felt would be able to help us. They said you need to be in a place where you can stay around a week or so to get the work done on the roof of the Airstream.

This turned out to be a day of flat, blue skies and an audiobook to keep us going. When we got to Albuquerque, the FamCamp at the Air Force Base was partially in the trees and partially out in the open of the dessert sun. We luckily got a space right next to the bathrooms and in the shade. When we opened the door to the Airstream we found out that we had not gone through and secured all of the things that we normally do when we get ready to travel, like secure the refrigerator. We had been pushing ourselves at the RV repair place and they had been so busy and we were trying to get ourselves out of their way and we had not done our pass through inside the Airstream. Food from the fridge was strewn all over the floor. Things that had been taken out to work on the Airstream had not been put back. The bar that holds my hanging clothes in my closet had fallen out the day before and we had put all of my clothes on our two beds and the place was just covered in stuff that looked and felt like someone had come in and tossed the space.

I had a melt down. I was tired and hungry and feeling discouraged because we had been working so hard to organize our stuff, throw or give away so many things so that we could do this trip. Now it seemed as if we were daily having to deal with major challenges and I cannot dig up a space inside of myself that can smile and say, “Gee, this is fun.”

This is all becoming amplified by a pleasant woman and her husband that come over to us and want to tell us all about Airstreaming. They bring us the Airstream magazine and they call us “full timers” since we tell them we have packed up our home and put it in storage. I find myself inwardly panicking and saying, “No, don't call me that. I am not sure I can do this.” I tell Ted at dinner and he says, “Well, it is like a honeymoon, you can't give up on something so easily. You have to give it time.” I say, “Well, I am ready for the sweet part that is also about the honeymoon.”

I see and know that I can find that place when I am first physically taking care of myself, I am not tired and I can reach inside and know that I can see and feel that it going to be okay. I can stretch myself a little and take responsibility and try not to blame Ted or anyone else. But when I am tired and hungry and just plain weary, it is harder to find that place within. At this point even my inner world does not want to hear anything soothing or peaceful. It all feels like bullshit. Honeymoon, shuneymoon is what I want to say.

The wind has howled all night, but now it is calm. I feel that I can face another day on the road. I can now access that other voice within. Thank you Spirit.

Toasting the OK Sooners

Day Three

8.4.10 Oklahoma City

I get up early at the Air Force Base and I go to walk before it is even light outside. We have come in at dark so I am not really sure of the terrain, but I sense that there are trails around the little lake that I can see and I head out in the dark. I find a walking/biking trail and it winds around the pond and then into a grove of trees. I feel at first a little concerned because I feel that someone could be waiting in the trees and jump out and get me. I guess I have watched too many Law and Orders where they find the woman jogger dead in Central Park. When I told Ted this later, he said, “ You were jogging?” I said, “Well, no, but you are never sure if they were jogging or walking are you?”

We headed over to Camping World to see if they could fix the AC unit on the Airstream. We were told at two places there that they were all booked up for the day and that they could not help us. They then called and told us to go to another place just down the road. They said that they would try to fix it after lunch. So we waited around and did errands in the area. It was a good feeling to be inside and getting things done. We got an air card so that we can get on the internet almost everywhere we are.

At the end of the day they told us that they wanted to keep the Airstream over night to see if it was tripping and going off after a certain point of cooling. We debated and then said, “Yes, keep it and we will get a hotel room.” We were grateful on many levels for the down time and the comfort of a hotel room.

We treated ourselves to a nice steak dinner in Oklahoma sooner fashion.

Across the plains

Day Two Oklahoma City

8.3.10 Oklahoma City I keep hearing that you don't need the same type of protection that you have had in the past. I keep wanting to say, well I still need protection don't I? And what I hear is that the idea of protection is an illusion. The more that you can trust God in your life and the more that you can listen and act out of this guidance, there is not the need to protect yourself in the traditional sense of the word. Here again it is necessary to go to the higher and broader picture. There is no need to always judge yourself and your physical needs by the way that the traditional outer world does. So what this means is that what makes sense for one person as bad or painful and horrific is not always seen as so in the spiritual world. Remember that it is the ego, not the soul that speaks in narrow terms of fear and avoidance of certain emotions.

More of what I learned from Heartwood:

Speak the truth often and as soon as you know it to be true.

This does not mean that you must be swinging a sword of truth around and cutting off everybody's heads with it. It does mean that when you know something is the truth and you are confronted by non truths, you must speak into it. If you do not, your body soul will not be in alignment.

Everything that needs to be reconciled will come to the surface to be healed.

I was guided to build a Reconciliation Labyrinth on the property at the Spiritual Renaissance Faire in 2007. From that time onward, it seemed like everything in my life that needed to be reconciled came to the surface. I studied Reconciliation and I learned that there were four components to it. The first one was Truth. Here we are back again at the place of acting and being in a space where truth is a requirement. There seemed to be no place to escape or live where truth did not demand to be present. The second part was Mercy, the third Justice and the fourth Peace. I began to see that reconciliation was really a vibrant and alive process that once invoked and present in your life, could also not be ignored. I began to see this process working in all parts of my life.

Listen to the Elders

I was blessed to be told the story of Siskeyah, a Native American woman who hid out with her medicine woman sisters in caves and by the river down the dirt road from Heartwood. She told me the story of her life and of the teachings that she wanted to be remembered. Many who have come to Heartwood have felt her presence. She continues to be a great teacher for me.

Perfection is an illusion

When you really honor and know the cycles of life and the season, you see all of them is part of the All That Is. This leads to acceptance.

This was the day of earthly frustrations. We traveled in temps that kept climbing on our little thermometer on the mirror of our car. The highest that we saw was 109. Yikes! We then kept trying to get with the people at Centurylink. Over an hour and half of holding the cell phone and waiting and waiting for a customer service representative. When one finally did come on the line, she took the information and then said she would be right back. At about ten minutes out the call failed.

We saw Tony and Lisa, Ted's son and daughter in law, for dinner on our way through OK. Ted gave Tony the family Bible to have in his possession for the time being. It was a blessing to share a short meal with them.

Day One Spirit Expression Ministries

8.2.10 Millington, TN

Day One

Goodbye to Heartwood

I got up early because we were sleeping in the downstairs bedroom and it gave me an entirely different view of the morning. I saw that the sun was slowly coming up above the trees and it was shinning through right on the Heartwood burl. I jumped up and took out my camera. It felt as if it was giving a little light show just for my benefit as a gift of gratitude.

I then heard, "Go out to field to say goodbye. I went to the Reconciliation Labryinth and stood at the entrance. I slowly began to do the sacred dance that has been passed down for generations. Joy taught me this dance, she called it the Dance for the New Millienum. I began in the east and as I moved I heard, “You are the bridge between heaven and earth. Your body allows you to ground yourself in the deep nature of the earth and at the same time soar with the heavens." With each turn to each direction felt the opening and the knowledge within my body soul. It was a flowing back in time to all the feelings that I had experienced of connection to Spirit in this sacred place called Heartwood.

By the time I was finished dancing I was crying and then I was laughing. I was howling with sorrow for leaving a place I loved so much. I was laughing for the joy that this place has given me and so many others. I prayed and sang and spoke in words that are only understood in another realm.

And then I stopped and felt a rush of the deepest gratitude I have ever felt. I raised my arms in the air and I turned slowly in a 360 degree turn. I was sobbing thank you, thank you, thank you. This was to all the trees, to all the beings, seen and unseen, to the river, to the gardens, to the people that have come to Heartwood, to the the ancient ones that walked this land before me, especially to Siskeyah and Mikelah that spoke directly to me, and to deep Presence that is so alive on this land.

I realized that this space that is called Heartwood had allowed me to ground myself so that I could be able to listen more deeply to the wisdom that is all around me. For the past ten years Heartwood has been my home and a container of deep beauty and sacredness. I realized how much I have learned from Heartwood. I will share what I feel I have learned from Heartwood in another post