Monday, August 9, 2010
Day Five
8.6.10 Barstow CA
We have almost made it, what joy when we crossed into California, but then we still needed to cross her dessert. I guess we traveled eleven hours yesterday, mostly land that has not been inhabited. I wonder as we drive, has a human being walked on every square inch of this land. For miles and miles it looks like land that has not been walked on, merely seen or owned by someone that does not really know it.
We are listening to Anne Lamott's new book Imperfect Birds. One of the characters says to the other character that she wants to return to the place where they have just done a sweat lodge. She says, “ I want to go back to the river to the sacred ground. The other character replies, “ Oh honey, it is all sacred ground. Sacred ground is where you are.” I wonder about the land that stretches all around us as we travel down I40. Is this all sacred ground. Does it become sacred when someone comes to acknowledge it, to walk on it and to love it? I have felt the sacredness of Heartwood come more fully into light as all those that came there developed their own love and blessing for the place. Their love was left like a business card left in glass jar to win a free lunch. It was there in some way for all to see and feel after they had left the space. The sacredness of the land seems to become alive as we as humans interact with it, love it and honor it.
But now I am hearing that this is a very egocentric way to see the land. Other beings can love and honor the land and still create a glowing relationship with it. No human ever needs to have walked that square inch of it for it to be sacred and valid.
The Imperfect Birds book fills our minds as we travel the hours of roads. The thermometer says that it is 114 degrees when we stop to get dinner in Needles, CA. One of the major themes is a quote by Rumi where he states that all we can really do with each other is invite the imperfect birds of our souls into the nests of our hearts. There are many images where the main characters struggle with their need to be in the nest of another's heart, to feel comforted by this deep physical and spiritual gesture.
I see how I have not had that same need, but rather my deep desire has been to know the inner ridges of the other's spiritual world. I have seen that I have tried in my own way to show my inner world. I have not so much felt that it should be transparent or so open or naked, but rather a space that is open. This might seem like an open door into a room of my heart soul. I invite you in. I try to make you comfortable. I say I will continue to unlock the doors to this space. I know that I can trust you. As I share I invite you to see how this feels to you. I invite you to share with me as you begin to feel that you can trust me also. We will begin a slow opening of chambers of exposure to our inner love with the Divine. We will create our own nests within each others hearts.
8.5.10 Alburqurque NM
We left Oklahoma City around ten am after viewing the things that needed to be done with the AC. It turned out that it was not the original unit but one that had been installed incorrectly many years ago. It was needing major structural repairs and the guys at the RV repair place would not do it. They were saying that they would put in some blocks and it would make it more stable, but they were not sure if they could finish this up today. We had many options to consider here, but it felt as if the best thing to do was to have them put it back together again and head west. They gave us the name of a repair place in Corona, CA that they felt would be able to help us. They said you need to be in a place where you can stay around a week or so to get the work done on the roof of the Airstream.
This turned out to be a day of flat, blue skies and an audiobook to keep us going. When we got to Albuquerque, the FamCamp at the Air Force Base was partially in the trees and partially out in the open of the dessert sun. We luckily got a space right next to the bathrooms and in the shade. When we opened the door to the Airstream we found out that we had not gone through and secured all of the things that we normally do when we get ready to travel, like secure the refrigerator. We had been pushing ourselves at the RV repair place and they had been so busy and we were trying to get ourselves out of their way and we had not done our pass through inside the Airstream. Food from the fridge was strewn all over the floor. Things that had been taken out to work on the Airstream had not been put back. The bar that holds my hanging clothes in my closet had fallen out the day before and we had put all of my clothes on our two beds and the place was just covered in stuff that looked and felt like someone had come in and tossed the space.
I had a melt down. I was tired and hungry and feeling discouraged because we had been working so hard to organize our stuff, throw or give away so many things so that we could do this trip. Now it seemed as if we were daily having to deal with major challenges and I cannot dig up a space inside of myself that can smile and say, “Gee, this is fun.”
This is all becoming amplified by a pleasant woman and her husband that come over to us and want to tell us all about Airstreaming. They bring us the Airstream magazine and they call us “full timers” since we tell them we have packed up our home and put it in storage. I find myself inwardly panicking and saying, “No, don't call me that. I am not sure I can do this.” I tell Ted at dinner and he says, “Well, it is like a honeymoon, you can't give up on something so easily. You have to give it time.” I say, “Well, I am ready for the sweet part that is also about the honeymoon.”
I see and know that I can find that place when I am first physically taking care of myself, I am not tired and I can reach inside and know that I can see and feel that it going to be okay. I can stretch myself a little and take responsibility and try not to blame Ted or anyone else. But when I am tired and hungry and just plain weary, it is harder to find that place within. At this point even my inner world does not want to hear anything soothing or peaceful. It all feels like bullshit. Honeymoon, shuneymoon is what I want to say.
The wind has howled all night, but now it is calm. I feel that I can face another day on the road. I can now access that other voice within. Thank you Spirit.
Day Three
8.4.10 Oklahoma City
I get up early at the Air Force Base and I go to walk before it is even light outside. We have come in at dark so I am not really sure of the terrain, but I sense that there are trails around the little lake that I can see and I head out in the dark. I find a walking/biking trail and it winds around the pond and then into a grove of trees. I feel at first a little concerned because I feel that someone could be waiting in the trees and jump out and get me. I guess I have watched too many Law and Orders where they find the woman jogger dead in Central Park. When I told Ted this later, he said, “ You were jogging?” I said, “Well, no, but you are never sure if they were jogging or walking are you?”
We headed over to Camping World to see if they could fix the AC unit on the Airstream. We were told at two places there that they were all booked up for the day and that they could not help us. They then called and told us to go to another place just down the road. They said that they would try to fix it after lunch. So we waited around and did errands in the area. It was a good feeling to be inside and getting things done. We got an air card so that we can get on the internet almost everywhere we are.
At the end of the day they told us that they wanted to keep the Airstream over night to see if it was tripping and going off after a certain point of cooling. We debated and then said, “Yes, keep it and we will get a hotel room.” We were grateful on many levels for the down time and the comfort of a hotel room.
We treated ourselves to a nice steak dinner in Oklahoma sooner fashion.
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